Type a word into the Safari box on the screen,” she instructed.

Sounded so simple. But not when you can’t find the Safari box. It wasn’t where it normally was in the bottom left corner. I promise. I looked everywhere.

I don’t see it,” I said.

It’s right there,” she replied, not moving.

Hmmm, my eyes darted around the screen.

I could feel her eyes boring into my shoulder. Restless. I was slowing her down. Old lady.

Just type anything into the box, it doesn’t need to be a word.”

But I don’t even see the box,” I explained again.

I really did know what a Safari box was. I might have been older than her mother and every other person in that Apple shop—but I didn’t live on the moon. Before I knew it, she’d grabbed the keyboard from me and started typing into the square.

Ahh there’s that sneaky Safari box, I thought. Upper left corner, who knew?

 I whipped out my credit card, showing Miss Impatient that I could be speedy at some things.

You’re good to go,” she said, without looking at me. And with that I was dismissed.

I left Apple feeling stupid and old.

Moments later, as I walked down Madison, an attractive woman in her thirties in a minidress and slingback sandals clicked past. I smiled, trying to meet her eyes. But she looked right past me. When had I become invisible? How had that happened?

That’s when I remembered a podcast a friend had recommended. When she first told me about it, I thought, just as I’m sure you’re thinking now, another podcast? But for all you women who are 60+, you’ll thank me later.

“Wiser than Me” is hosted by famed actress/comedian/producer Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Her familiar voice piped into my ears, it’s both warm and frank and she laughs all the time. It’s good to laugh. I am drawn in from the moment she starts explaining why she  launched her first ever podcast.

When women get older, we don’t hear from them much,” Julia says. “They become less visible, less seen.” Even just hearing her say it makes me feel more visible, more seen. “Our culture just seems to celebrate youth, youth, youth… Fuck that bullshit,” she goes on. “I want to hear from these old women. How do they navigate aging, living? Give us some tips from the frontline.”

 Fashion legend Diane von Furstenberg, one of Julia’s interviewees, recommends Julia not ask guests how old they are, but instead how long they’ve lived. DvF has lived 76 years.

I love this podcast, with all ten episodes providing reassuring, wise life hacks for those who can’t find the nomadic Safari box on our computer screen in front of AppleCare tech support.

Julia begins each episode telling us a bit about her own background and how that connects to the guest speaker, so for von Furstenberg we hear about Julia wearing a pink bikini and white go-go boots at age 7 and realizing the power of fashion. In another episode when Julia is about to meet 75-year-old celebrated food writer, Ruth Reichl, Julia starts by discussing a distressing miscarriage and how her mother’s homemade chili and cornbread comforted her during that difficult time.

During that episode Reichl says that when she faces life’s unavoidable losses, she goes into the kitchen where the smells and flavors help bring her back into the world. To that end, Julia asks for some advice on pound cake—whether to add orange zest and juice to the batter.

Just the zest,” Reichl suggests.

Reichl also says,

You can waste your whole life looking for perfection. Don’t think perfection is your goal.’

The series’ first episode features 85-year-old Jane Fonda, and in the middle of the interview, the power goes out in Julia’s studio. Julia swears when she loses contact with Fonda. She swears a lot. And none of it is cut from the episode. Editing is practically an afterthought. My takeaway? It’s ok to fail. Perfection is the enemy of good enough.

Once Julia gets Fonda back, we are lucky enough to hear Fonda muse about knowing when a romantic relationship is over: When she starts fantasizing about her partner’s funeral.

Her favorite vibrator? The Rabbit.

Iconic New Yorker, 72-year-old Frannie Leibowitz was possibly my favorite guest of the season. Leibowitz is famous for her writer’s block. She calls it her writer’s tower. She hasn’t published a book since 1994, but boy can that woman talk. On the topic of New York City which both Julia and Liebowitz love, Liebowitz says,

 I don’t understand why people move from the city to Vermont to retire? There are no doormen in Vermont.”

Leibowitz is notoriously lazy, doesn’t own a mobile phone, or anything technical. Leibowitz holds grudges and gives Julia tips on how to get revenge. She still smokes. Her honesty is so refreshing that after the interview was over, I went down a very deep Leibowitz rabbit hole. I recommend you do the same. When asked at one speaking engagement if she’d ever consider running a marathon, she laughed and said, “only if a German soldier was pointing a gun at my back.”

Julia ends each episode by calling her sharp, devoted 89-year-old mother Judy for the rehash.  During the episode with Reichl, Julia offers to cook a meal for the famous food critic. Reichl accepts. Julia hangs up with Reichl and immediately goes into a panic.

Why the fuck did I do that? I need to ask my mom what to make. I got to call my mom “

Judy usually answers her phone on the first ring. Their banter is adorable. Judy is clearly so proud of Julia.

Oh Julia, that (meal is) going to be priceless. Absolutely priceless.”

Back to me, of course: When I told Stretch about my Apple experience, he said,

You need to be tougher.”

You’re not a woman,” I snapped.

Channel your mother.”

I could. Because my mother never would have cared about a kid at the Apple store. But now, thanks to “Wiser than Me” I have a lot of amazing women I can channel, women who get me, who see me, who are me—but even better, who are wiser.

Postscript- I went to the Apple in Greeenwich, Connecticut this am- a totally different experience. Full of oldies. Love it there. The  gentleman next to me was explaining to AppleCare tech support, that “no he didn’t know his Apple ID or password, his grandson set it up three years ago and he couldn’t remember it either.”  I felt such warmth for this man, for Apple (in Greenwich) and for all of us of who have lived so long that we remember when an apple was just that.

September, 2023

The post Wiser than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus- Tips from the Frontline appeared first on Elena Bowes.

I want to stay put, cosy on my upper east side sofa, cosy in my upper east side life, binging on the latest mind escape. White Lotus got me through December. What’s going to get me through January? But being the amazing wife that I am, I put on my coat, hat and gloves and follow Stretch to what I’m sure will be an outing we’ll regret.

How late does this thing go? I ask Stretch in the Uber downtown?

4am

Jesus Christ.

Don’t worry we can leave after an hour. It’s good for us, take advantage of this city.

The Uber pulls up to some nondescript street full of small shops. I don’t really want to get out. Old fears sometimes stick. But there goes Stretch heading to the back of a line of people so I follow.

Did you bring any ID? They’re checking people’s ID, Stretch says.

I quickly scramble scanning my phone for some ID. When we get to the bouncer, he looks at us and our tickets and waves us in. No ID needed. We’re clearly not minors. Fine, I’m old I know it. Then we go inside, and I see a big room filled with people, all in their 20’s and 30’s.

What are we doing here? I wonder. We so don’t belong. My next thought- No way I won’t get Covid. Then we go to check our coats. It’s the honesty system. Ohh Jeez. Goodbye coat, I think. Why did I wear my favorite snuggly coat, plus saffron-coloured cute hat and brown leather gloves? They’ll all be gone by the end of the night.

We go to the dance floor- it’s very intimate- crowded but people make way for us oldsters. Stretch beams at me and immediately starts swinging his hips, getting into the groove and calling me Baby.

Who is this man? We are too old for this. My name is Elena, not Baby.

But he’s not deterred. He won’t comply. He keeps dancing, smiling, kisses my neck. PDA, no, no, no. Not at 60! I turn and face the stage and pretend I don’t know him.

Doesn’t he realise we look ridiculous? We are the oldest people in the room by at least twenty years. I scan the crowd looking for anyone, please someone older than us. Spotted! There’s a woman, full head of grey hair, jacket still on, wearing a mask. And I feel better. The lead singer is a man named Brian Jackson. He talks to the audience in between each song. I’ve never heard of Brian, but the crowd seems to know him. There’s a lot of clapping and whooping when he talks.

IMG_5287

One song, Brian says, he wrote in 1973. I was 11 in 1973. Brian couldn’t have written this song when he was 11. Brian is older than us. And he’s good. Before another song he tells us that the media is full of violence and war right now, but we need to remember tonight-

We’re a cool, calm fun community, he tells the attentive crowd.  My band, our mascot is the gorilla. The gorilla is a super peaceful animal.

I look around the room. Everyone is having a good time, dancing and chatting, meeting up with friends. We’re all just peace-loving gorillas. No one is interested in stealing my stuff. Everyone here just came out for some fun  and good music on a Saturday night.  I might not even get Covid.

When did I become so negative? So cautious? So uptight? Age is about an attitude, and I didn’t like mine.

Then Brian talks about it being ok to disagree with your neighbor- and if you want change, you need to change yourself first. I like this guy. I realise as I scan the room that I used to be like these people. Carefree, somewhat adventurous (I’m only a few miles from my cosy apartment after all), relaxed and willing to give it a go. But as I got older I put up walls, got more afraid, resistant to winging it and seeing how an unconventional evening might go. By the end of the set, I am dancing with abandon as is that other older women with the grey hair and the mask.

I realise that it’s easy to come here in your 20’s and 30’s but what’s important is to come here in your 60’s, to be reminded of who you once were. I’m not quite ready for Burning Man. For me, this was adventure enough. I saw glimpses of myself thirty years ago and don’t want to say goodbye to that person.  And my coat and favourite hat and gloves, they were right where I left them.

Postscript- when we got home I googled Brian Jackson and here’s what came up:

Brian Jackson earned mythic status among music fans thanks to his pioneering work with Gil Scott-Heron in the 70’s, where his flute and electric piano performances on ‘Pieces of a Man’ and ‘Winter In America’ virtually defined the sound of an era. From the 80s onwards he went on to record with Kool & The Gang, Will Downing (whose debut album he produced), Roy Ayers and Gwen Guthrie among many others, and while many veteran musicians tend to stick with the sounds they know best at some point in their careers, Jackson remains an unusually adventurous, vital and broad-minded artist to this day.

January, 2023

The post Stretch Takes Me Out of My Comfort Zone, and That’s a Good Thing appeared first on Elena Bowes.