Every time I come downstairs, you’re busy  on that laptop of yours, he beams. I love your industriousness. I don’t know what you’re working on, but it sure does keep you busy.

Readers, I know what you’re thinking. And no, I am not watching porn. The closest I get to watching porn (boring me) is reading  the New York City Department of Health’s Dovid sex tips.  (I forgot to mention, this blog is unsuitable for children, some sentences are quite graphic- like the next few)

Here’s a taster of the somewhat explicit NYC Dept of Health’s sex tips:…

Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in feces may enter your mouth.

Condoms and dental dams can reduce contact with saliva or feces, especially during oral or anal sex.

Disinfect keyboards and touch screens that you share with others (for video chat, for watching pornography or for anything else).

Which brings me to how I actually do spend my screen time. I look things up on Google. I’m amazed how much Google knows. I would have looked up ‘rimming’ but the Dept of Health added a helpful, quite visual – description.

But what are dental dams? I ask my little helper.

Turns out dental dams have been around for over 150 years. They started out helping in dentistry and then moved south of the border. As often happens when I am self-educating I end up on another site, this time Health Line, where writer Gabrielle Kassell further explains safe romance  during these strange times:

Opt for positions where you’re facing away from each other, the less face-to-face contact the better

Kassell suggests rather than getting it on missionary style, trying:

• standing doggy style
• lap dance
• reverse rider on top
• wheelbarrow

I’m not sure Google can help me here. Reverse rider? Not only does Google assist beautifully, but it also lists two synonyms, in case I want to sound super smart. Reverse cowgirl and   position #150. As I scroll down Ms. Kassell’s informative article, I read her bio at the bottom.

Gabrielle Kassel is a New York–based sex and wellness writer and CrossFit Level 1 Trainer. She’s become a morning person, tested over 200 vibrators, and eaten, drunk, and brushed with charcoal.

Ms. Kassell is a busy woman. I decide it’s time to change my area of learning.  I ask my good friend Natalie if she has any suggestions.

I am listening to a biography of Cicero right now.

Hmmm,  from reverse cowgirl to Cicero, I think I need something more in the middle.  I turn to another friend Lauren, who is always busy doing something.

I make a mental note never to misspell separate when texting Lauren (thank god for spellcheck).

Any suggestions for how I can improve myself, maybe learn a new skill? I ask

Well, I follow a furloughed makeup artist on Facebook…

That looks really hard, I say. Judging from a recent self-pedi, I think I should avoid anything too handy…

I’ve done zoom quizzes, Lauren suggests. Making up questions kills a lot of the day.

Zoom quizzes? What a great way to expand my brain. What are some of your questions?

What famous 19th c. art critic divorced his wife upon discovering ‘a pubic monster’ on their wedding night?

Wow, no idea. Who?

John Ruskin

How did Medieval Italian women use pubic hair to bewitch men?

Uh, got me, how?

They baked it into pies.

You really know your history. You’re so clever.

And with that Stretch appears on the staircase, sees me busy at my laptop, and smiles.

May, 2020

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