I know that when I’m meditating, I am a nicer, more present, calmer person. Case in point, I was just nearing the end of a meditation session (ie sitting on a chair with my eyes shut for 20 minutes repeating a mantra that Jillian assigned to me all those years ago) when someone came into the room, ignored my closed eyes and started talking to me. I opened my eyes, greeted him with a smile and answered his questions.

Now, I know me. My typical reaction would be sheer annoyance. “Don’t I ever get a moment to myself?!” But no, I was super patient without trying.

Jillian says that meditation should be effortless, not forced.  If a zillion thoughts are entering my head, that’s fine, that’s natural. In this particular meditation session, I could hear my thirty-year-old son on a work zoom upstairs, and I started reminiscing about his childhood and how long I’ve known him, 30 years, he was such a cute baby. Is that a failed meditation? Not at all. According to Jillian, it’s ok if a zillion thoughts come into my head, let them, but try and return to the mantra. Watch those thoughts like clouds in the sky, register them and then let them float away.

But don’t listen to me, listen to Jillian. She founded the London and New York Meditation Centres with her partner in work and life Michael Miller in 2008.

They offer a myriad of courses on-line and in person, as well as retreats in far-flung locales. They have taught thousands of people how to meditate.I love their free on-line group meditations as a way for me to reconnect and listen to Jillian and Michael wisely answer meditators’ questions. They also have tons of forensic scientific evidence supporting the physical and psychological benefits of meditation. Below is an edited, abbreviated version of our chat. You can listen to the entire conversation on my podcast Elena Meets the Author here or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Elena: Hello Jillian and welcome. In your book you debunk some of the popular myths about meditation. Can you tell us briefly what those are?

I think that’s partly why I wrote the book. More and more people know about meditation, which is great, but with that comes confusion. The thing I hear time and time again is ‘Oh, I couldn’t do that. My mind is crazy busy. I couldn’t sit down and stop thinking.’ But that’s not what we want people to do. Or people say, ‘I don’t have time to meditate.” That was an issue for me when I first started meditating. But what I found is that I actually had more time. I was more focused, more productive. I didn’t have to read that sentence five time before it sank in.

There’s also a myth about meditation being a belief system. We teach people from all walks of life, all faiths. And you don’t have to stop drinking wine, or start drinking kale juice, change your diet in any way.

Elena: Can you tell us about some of the positive effects that meditating can have on people’s lives?

 It’s a long list. Meditation affects every aspect of our mental and physical functioning.  You are resting your system so your body can heal, purify and rebalance. That deep rest means that we can release tiredness and stress. We’re going to be more resilient. And meditating has a big impact on the ageing process. Long-term practitioners are aging more slowly. Vedic mediators have improved memory, learning ability, concentration and focus.

Meditating has a big impact on how we can be there for others. If we go into a relationship and we’re tired and needy, cranky, it’s going to affect that exchange. It’s all about me. But if we go into it, present, listening and feeling good inside, not needy, that has an incredibly uplifting effect on that exchange.

Elena: how do you know when you’re doing it correctly?

That’s a good question because there’s a lot of stuff out there that’s not very effective. Ask yourself is this something you look forward to? Do you enjoy it? Do you find that it’s easy when you do it? Do you feel a difference when you do it? How do you feel if you missed your meditation? That’s the acid test.

Elena: You say in your book that there’s no such thing as a stressful situation, there are only stressful responses to a given situation. Can you explain?

 This is a a very challenging world that we live in. We live in a world undergoing, rapid rates of change. It is only accelerating. What is our capacity to deal with change?  What is our capacity to adapt to new information? That’s what life is asking of you. And when you’re tired, stressed, depleted, you don’t have that bank balance, that reservoir of adaptation energy.

In Vedic Meditation we de-excite. We start to lighten the load. Meditation delivers an antidote to stress by delivering a level of rest that is profound. And when you rest the nervous system, it can come into balance to meet the demands of life by not carrying this legacy of stress. Meditation helps us lose stress faster than we are gaining it. And that puts us way ahead of the game.

Elena: And finally, you talk about how meditation can help the creative process? 

 Vedic meditators report having more clarity, more insight, more lightbulb moments where you get that good idea. The universe is sending you good ideas all the time. The question is are you awake? Can you catch them? When we have all that scattered thinking in our head, it’s hard to get clarity.

So much emphasis in our society is placed on intellectual capability. But all the important decisions you’ve made in your life, the consequential decisions didn’t come from working it out in our head. It’s our ability to tune into our intuition. I did an interview once and someone asked me what was the most important thing that I have gained from meditation. And I said, my ability to trust myself, that ability to turn down the volume, go inward and access that feeling, that sixth sense, that intuition about how I’m going to decide what I’m going to do in any aspect of my day.

Thank you so much Jillian. I think a lot of people will find our conversation helpful.

October, 2024

The post Q&A with Jillian Lavender – Why Meditate? Because it works. appeared first on Elena Bowes.

The following Q&A has been edited for clarity and brevity. You can listen to the whole Q&A on my podcast, Elena Meets the Author. And you can read the rest of my edited Q&A here on 26.

Ann, I loved I’ve Tried Being Nice. I listened and read it in two days. You’re a very good narrator. I laughed out loud multiple times, and I can so relate to your recovering from being a lifelong people pleaser. As I’ve gotten older, and my estrogen has disappeared, so has my patience. It’s kind of a huge relief doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say. Getting that seat on the subway, Medicare around the corner.

Your pet peeves range from smug knitters to rude tennis partners to people who let their dogs roam on your property despite you warning them about your fearful, sometimes aggressive rescue. I also loved your romantic story Shall We Dance?  And Travels Travails where your husband  navigates the perilous Italian autostrada. Your humor and empathy shine throughout these various essays. In your terrific tennis article, you talk about how competitive you are.

So, my first question is since it’s clear that you are really funny and you’re married to someone who makes a living being funny, do you ever get competitive over who is funnier?

Ann: I’ve been with my husband a long time. We met when I was 20 and he was 25. It’s been a few decades. I always know if I’ve said something really funny, if I say something that slays it. He works at not laughing. But he’ll laugh generously if I’m just amusing.

Would you recommend tennis to warring couples?

Ann: I didn’t grow up playing tennis. I started playing in my forties, and I’m completely obsessed by it. You can learn everything you need to know about a person on the tennis court… if a person’s honest, if they cheat, if they’re a blamer, or a self-hater. I mostly play doubles. Do not play doubles where your husband is your tennis partner. He should be on the other side of the court.

So, my sister is also a mediocre player. We used to go on vacation with her and her husband. If my brother-in-law was my partner and he made a mistake, I’d be like, ‘oh, that’s fine.” And he would be so nice to me. And same if my sister made a mistake, my husband would be like, ‘good try.’

But if my husband was my partner, and he’d make a mistake, I’d say, “What is wrong with you?! Why won’t you take a lesson?’ And then if I made a mistake, he’d berate me. We would be so uncharitable because I guess we felt you don’t have to be as nice. Tennis teaches you how to be in life. You should be as generous to your partner in life as you are to other people. But often we aren’t.

My husband and I played pickleball against my son and his wife last weekend. They’re much better than us. What was annoying was my husband kept suggesting that we mix up the teams.

Ann: Ah, because he wanted a better partner?

 Yup. You met your husband when you were in college? You were both at Emerson, taking creative writing, right?

Ann: I had just transferred from Bennington to Emerson and the head of the writing department at Bennington told me “You must take this writing class with Denis Leary.” He had graduated the year before. I thought he would be much older, like 50. He walked in and he looked about 20. He was super cute.

We crushed on each other, but we didn’t date until the day after the class was over. We went on a date or two, and then he stayed over, and he never left… to this day. It turned out he didn’t have his own place to live. He was shacking up with other comics.

Lol.  I loved your essay on the perks to an Empty Nest. Too often parents get morose when their kids go to college. I certainly did. But when your kids went to college you and your husband shed a few tears, and then realized every cloud has a silver lining? Can you tell us about that breakthrough?

Ann: Sure. So, we have two children. My son is the older one. The summer before he went to college, I was in a serious depression. I really felt like our whole life, our marriage, this magical thing that was our family was coming to an end. Then we dropped my daughter off. I rememeber we were driving away and I couldn’t stop sobbing. My husband was driving and then he pulled over. And after dabbing my face, I said, ‘you can go now.” And then I heard him make this sound. I look over and he has his head in his hands and he’s crying like a baby. Our daughter only went to college an hour away. When we got home  my husband went upstairs, while I made dinner and watched Seinfeld. And when he came down, he did what he automatically does which is turn that little TV in the kitchen off because it’s time for dinner.

And then I said the words he’d been waiting twenty years to hear. Let’s watch TV while we eat. And that’s when the fun began. I know a lot of people are naturally altruistic, thoughtful, kind, good people. We’re not really like that but we had to behave as if we were because our children deserved better. So, we were on our best behavior for twenty years.

We have reclining chairs for when my mother visits. Now we eat dinner on these reclining chairs in front of the TV. We walk around with no clothes on. Nobody cares. My kids came back for vacation and were shocked by the recliner eating situation, absolutely appalled.

Thank you Ann.

Readers, this is just a soupçon of our chat. The episode on Elena Meets the Author has lots more Ann gems. Here’s to laughing!!!

September, 2024

The post Q&A with Ann Leary – I’ve Tried Being Nice appeared first on Elena Bowes.

Jane Morgan is a respected, valued member of her law firm, that is until a prudish neighbour spied (with a giant pair of binoculars) Jane having sex on the roof of her NYC apartment building. Next thing you know the cops are called, Jane’s license is suspended AND she’s sentenced to six months of home confinement. That’s where the fun starts. Think part detective and  part romantic comedy  in this intelligent, madcap caper of a novel.

I adored Ms Demeanor, the perfect antidote to the times right now.  Enough with depressing news. We need a distraction. I need a distraction. I first listened to the book on Audible and the narrator was excellent, her Polish accent impeccable.  I was so entertained and was alone at the time, not feeling well. Ms. Demeanor  was the perfect bedside companion. Here’s my edited for length Q&A with the talented Elinor Lipman;

• Your main character Jane Morgan, a lawyer, gets caught having sex on the roof with a much younger colleague. He gets a slap on the wrist, while she gets her license suspended and is sentenced to 6 months home confinement. Jane feels zero guilt about what she’s done. She’s 39 and is not desperate to get married. She’s a very modern heroine. Is that how you perceived Jane to be from the start?

No. I got this lovely review in the NY Times and the reviewer kept saying, ‘Hooray for (Elinor), that there’s no disapproval. Her parents are ok with it, she’s ok with it.’ And I thought, what about Fear of Flying (published in 1973)?” To me (Ms. Demeanor) was just a modern woman having sex, maybe a little early on the first date. The only disapproval was her kicking herself for letting this happen and what it led to, but not any kind of sexual guilt.  I don’t think I should get any kudos for making her a modern woman. It never occurred to me that her having sex on the roof on a first date is something I should get plaudits for.

• What was the most challenging part about writing Ms. Demeanor? And what was the most enjoyable? 

The most challenging part for me in every novel is moving the story forward, aka plotting.  I take it one chapter at a time, so I’m constantly asking myself, “What’s next?”  If only I was outline-prone! The most enjoyable part was writing about Jane’s cooking and catering.

• Speaking of cooking, there’s a lot of it in Ms. Demeanor. With the holidays upon us, can you tell us something delicious that you have made recently?

Sure. Last night I made a recipe from the NYT, salmon sitting on a bed of farro and on top of the whole thing there’s this radicchio, cucumber and dill salad. I made a noodle kugel. I have a house on a lake where we spent all of Covid. I cooked for something like 380 days in a row. About twice I said, Y’know, I don’t feel like cooking. I think I’ll just make myself scrambled eggs, and Jonathon (her Liverpudlian boyfriend)- would always happily have beans on toast.

• Do you think if you weren’t a writer, you’d want to be a cook?

No. Cooks get up at 5am to go to the market. They cook all day. They cook all night. They get home at 2. It’s different cooking for two people.

• OK so you wouldn’t want to be a cook, what do you think you wouId like to be if you weren’t a writer?

A lawyer on the side of right.  I just finished jury duty three days ago, and I wanted to give the assistant district attorney a round of applause after his closing statement.

• Tell us something surprising about yourself?

Meeting Jonathan on Match.com, but people already know about that. (Lipman wrote Taking a Break for Friendship in the NY Times’ Modern Love about meeting Jonathan, her Liverpudlian beau)

Also, I was runner up for best actress at Lowell Highschool. I didn’t enjoy the acting. I had the lead in The Petrified Forest. I played Bette Davis. I had to kiss Michael Lemkin who played the Humphrey Bogart role. Sorry Michael. I didn’t enjoy that very much.

The rest of my Q&A can be found here on 26’s December newsletter. Wherever you are, I hope you have a wonderful holiday. And if your holiday is less than wonderful – too much bubbly,  too much family (both are best enjoyed in limited doses ), may I recommend you find a quiet spot with Ms. Demeanor. It did wonders for me.

December, 2023

The post Q&A with Elinor Lipman, Ms. Demeanor appeared first on Elena Bowes.

‘I didn’t realize how much I learned until the end of your book, because I was so entertained.’

Here is my Q&A with Ali:

I loved your introduction where you list some of your “fan mail.” Here’s an example for those who haven’t yet read your book:

Fan Mail #2: Why don’t you shut up and go fuck a goat, you Moslem terrorist!

Wajahat’s reply: Always with the goats and camels. Why limit my options? Two legs good, four legs good. But no thank you, I’m happily married to a woman. Also, it’s Muslim terrorist. Unless you’re referring to muslin, which is a versatile, cotton fabric originally hailing from Mosul, Iraq, and typically has not been associated with overt acts of extremism. Nonetheless, I appreciate the helpful recommendation.

• Do you still get lots of “fan mail”?

I get it every day. You know, what’s really interesting is, back in the day when we had less social media platforms and oftentimes it was only the comment thread like 15, 20 years ago, I remember when I used to write an article, the editors oftentimes emailed me to apologize for the nasty comments. And then oftentimes they had to shut down the comments because no matter what benign essay I wrote, even it was something lighthearted, not political, the fact that I was a Muslim, just brought out the most vile, ugly anti-Muslim hateful comments. They had to edit so much and especially if it was political, then you had the racism and Islamophobia. And so that comment section now has evolved into direct messages on Twitter, on Instagram, on Facebook and all also, on my email.

The difference between now and then is back then people used to use fake names. Now people use real names and real emails. It’s become so normalized and accepted and almost encouraged due to the political climate that we live in, that people don’t even feel like they need to hide their names or feel some sense of shame.

My existence really triggers the cultural anxieties of a lot of folks. Number one, with the problems that people are facing, I’m pretty blunt about it.  I’m able to call it out. I’m able to articulate myself, I’m able to communicate it. I’m able to back it up. I’m able to debate. I’m able to use humour and that’s very threatening. I would not be as threatening if I was this savage, brute and beast that they had imagined in their mind, but the fact that I’m able to go toe to toe with them either on page or, or on the stage and, and use humour and not lose my temper and not be the stereotype. I think that’s very triggering and threatening.

Well, I thought the way you responded to your fan mail was very respectful and very funny.

They’re expecting you to lose your mind and then you sit there and hit them with dry humour and wit and it just twists the knife a little bit more.

How did 9/11 affect you personally?

Being a Muslim Pakistani American, it was an overnight realization, that we’re not us, we’re them. You are a stranger in your own country. You’re a suspect and a citizen.  I was attacked for being a Muslim in America. And then when I went abroad, I got attacked for being American.

People forget that America lost its mind. After 9/11, we canceled Susan Sontag. We canceled John Lennon’s Imagine, we canceled the Dixie Chicks. These are American institutions that we canceled. We even canceled French fries. If you were a Muslim we felt like a magnifying glass was on us. The pressure was on us. Overnight, at the age of 20, I had to become the cultural ambassador of 1.7 billion Muslims and 1400 years of Islamic civilization. And I had to be perfect because if I messed up, not only would I be indicted, all people who are Muslim would be indicted.

• What made you decide to write your memoir?

I turned 41 a couple months ago. A year and a half ago, when I was 39 about to become 40 during the pandemic, I felt like now’s the time. Good things take time. My agent has been after me for nine years to write this book. And every year we have the same meeting in New York. And then finally, he’s like just write something on paper, you and me can figure it out later.

I just couldn’t figure out the arc, how to weave it into the narrative. And then I finally got it. I think I finally got an arc and a spine and a title and, and then both my agent, and my editor said just write. These stories that you have, they are really good, just trust us.

I finished it, a couple days before my 40th birthday. People say, how long did it take you to write? One answer is three months with a couple months of editing. The more honest answer is 40 years. Good things take time. And if I’d written this book at 35, it wouldn’t have been as good. It’s like a mango, you can feel it, you can smell it, you know when it’s ready to eat it.

I felt there was an appetite and a curiosity for many Americans who had dismissed us and now were thinking, you know, I think these darkies are onto something. We should listen to them. Right. I felt like I could give the arc through my own life. It has some important parallels to what we’ve witnessed specifically in the past 20 years of America.

And then finally, when you say memoir, I think it’s very amusing because I didn’t call it a memoir and we didn’t know how to categorize it. And then I think (my editor) is like, we need a category. How about memoir? And very deliberately, I wanted to experiment with how, what a memoir is and how I can write it. The book doesn’t begin with Once upon a time, it begins with hate mail. I also have a checklist on how to be a moderate Muslim. There’s humour. I wanted to write the memoir the way I wanted to write it.

I wanted to experiment with the memoir form. The title- Go Back to Where You Came From and Other Helpful Recommendations on How to Become American, it hits you with something really ugly, going back to where you came from. And it follows up with a recommendation on how to become an American, like this kind of can-do American spirit. And I thought that type of tongue in cheek approach to these very tough issues without me sugar coating, it would be both the tone and the frame of this particular story. I thought I could take some creative licenses and avenues to talk about a great many things.

And very importantly, what’s your favorite Pakistani dish?

Ooh, that’s a very hard question. My family makes very good food, both on the maternal and paternal side. They’re very good cooks. They’re known for it in the communities. I really like a very well-made Biryani preferably goat or lamb, but chicken is good too. It’s awesome.

You can read the rest of my interview with Ali here in 26’s April e-letter.

April, 2022

The post Q&A with Wajahat Ali appeared first on Elena Bowes.