I know that when I’m meditating, I am a nicer, more present, calmer person. Case in point, I was just nearing the end of a meditation session (ie sitting on a chair with my eyes shut for 20 minutes repeating a mantra that Jillian assigned to me all those years ago) when someone came into the room, ignored my closed eyes and started talking to me. I opened my eyes, greeted him with a smile and answered his questions.

Now, I know me. My typical reaction would be sheer annoyance. “Don’t I ever get a moment to myself?!” But no, I was super patient without trying.

Jillian says that meditation should be effortless, not forced.  If a zillion thoughts are entering my head, that’s fine, that’s natural. In this particular meditation session, I could hear my thirty-year-old son on a work zoom upstairs, and I started reminiscing about his childhood and how long I’ve known him, 30 years, he was such a cute baby. Is that a failed meditation? Not at all. According to Jillian, it’s ok if a zillion thoughts come into my head, let them, but try and return to the mantra. Watch those thoughts like clouds in the sky, register them and then let them float away.

But don’t listen to me, listen to Jillian. She founded the London and New York Meditation Centres with her partner in work and life Michael Miller in 2008.

They offer a myriad of courses on-line and in person, as well as retreats in far-flung locales. They have taught thousands of people how to meditate.I love their free on-line group meditations as a way for me to reconnect and listen to Jillian and Michael wisely answer meditators’ questions. They also have tons of forensic scientific evidence supporting the physical and psychological benefits of meditation. Below is an edited, abbreviated version of our chat. You can listen to the entire conversation on my podcast Elena Meets the Author here or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Elena: Hello Jillian and welcome. In your book you debunk some of the popular myths about meditation. Can you tell us briefly what those are?

I think that’s partly why I wrote the book. More and more people know about meditation, which is great, but with that comes confusion. The thing I hear time and time again is ‘Oh, I couldn’t do that. My mind is crazy busy. I couldn’t sit down and stop thinking.’ But that’s not what we want people to do. Or people say, ‘I don’t have time to meditate.” That was an issue for me when I first started meditating. But what I found is that I actually had more time. I was more focused, more productive. I didn’t have to read that sentence five time before it sank in.

There’s also a myth about meditation being a belief system. We teach people from all walks of life, all faiths. And you don’t have to stop drinking wine, or start drinking kale juice, change your diet in any way.

Elena: Can you tell us about some of the positive effects that meditating can have on people’s lives?

 It’s a long list. Meditation affects every aspect of our mental and physical functioning.  You are resting your system so your body can heal, purify and rebalance. That deep rest means that we can release tiredness and stress. We’re going to be more resilient. And meditating has a big impact on the ageing process. Long-term practitioners are aging more slowly. Vedic mediators have improved memory, learning ability, concentration and focus.

Meditating has a big impact on how we can be there for others. If we go into a relationship and we’re tired and needy, cranky, it’s going to affect that exchange. It’s all about me. But if we go into it, present, listening and feeling good inside, not needy, that has an incredibly uplifting effect on that exchange.

Elena: how do you know when you’re doing it correctly?

That’s a good question because there’s a lot of stuff out there that’s not very effective. Ask yourself is this something you look forward to? Do you enjoy it? Do you find that it’s easy when you do it? Do you feel a difference when you do it? How do you feel if you missed your meditation? That’s the acid test.

Elena: You say in your book that there’s no such thing as a stressful situation, there are only stressful responses to a given situation. Can you explain?

 This is a a very challenging world that we live in. We live in a world undergoing, rapid rates of change. It is only accelerating. What is our capacity to deal with change?  What is our capacity to adapt to new information? That’s what life is asking of you. And when you’re tired, stressed, depleted, you don’t have that bank balance, that reservoir of adaptation energy.

In Vedic Meditation we de-excite. We start to lighten the load. Meditation delivers an antidote to stress by delivering a level of rest that is profound. And when you rest the nervous system, it can come into balance to meet the demands of life by not carrying this legacy of stress. Meditation helps us lose stress faster than we are gaining it. And that puts us way ahead of the game.

Elena: And finally, you talk about how meditation can help the creative process? 

 Vedic meditators report having more clarity, more insight, more lightbulb moments where you get that good idea. The universe is sending you good ideas all the time. The question is are you awake? Can you catch them? When we have all that scattered thinking in our head, it’s hard to get clarity.

So much emphasis in our society is placed on intellectual capability. But all the important decisions you’ve made in your life, the consequential decisions didn’t come from working it out in our head. It’s our ability to tune into our intuition. I did an interview once and someone asked me what was the most important thing that I have gained from meditation. And I said, my ability to trust myself, that ability to turn down the volume, go inward and access that feeling, that sixth sense, that intuition about how I’m going to decide what I’m going to do in any aspect of my day.

Thank you so much Jillian. I think a lot of people will find our conversation helpful.

October, 2024

The post Q&A with Jillian Lavender – Why Meditate? Because it works. appeared first on Elena Bowes.

The following Q&A has been edited for clarity and brevity. You can listen to the whole Q&A on my podcast, Elena Meets the Author. And you can read the rest of my edited Q&A here on 26.

Ann, I loved I’ve Tried Being Nice. I listened and read it in two days. You’re a very good narrator. I laughed out loud multiple times, and I can so relate to your recovering from being a lifelong people pleaser. As I’ve gotten older, and my estrogen has disappeared, so has my patience. It’s kind of a huge relief doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say. Getting that seat on the subway, Medicare around the corner.

Your pet peeves range from smug knitters to rude tennis partners to people who let their dogs roam on your property despite you warning them about your fearful, sometimes aggressive rescue. I also loved your romantic story Shall We Dance?  And Travels Travails where your husband  navigates the perilous Italian autostrada. Your humor and empathy shine throughout these various essays. In your terrific tennis article, you talk about how competitive you are.

So, my first question is since it’s clear that you are really funny and you’re married to someone who makes a living being funny, do you ever get competitive over who is funnier?

Ann: I’ve been with my husband a long time. We met when I was 20 and he was 25. It’s been a few decades. I always know if I’ve said something really funny, if I say something that slays it. He works at not laughing. But he’ll laugh generously if I’m just amusing.

Would you recommend tennis to warring couples?

Ann: I didn’t grow up playing tennis. I started playing in my forties, and I’m completely obsessed by it. You can learn everything you need to know about a person on the tennis court… if a person’s honest, if they cheat, if they’re a blamer, or a self-hater. I mostly play doubles. Do not play doubles where your husband is your tennis partner. He should be on the other side of the court.

So, my sister is also a mediocre player. We used to go on vacation with her and her husband. If my brother-in-law was my partner and he made a mistake, I’d be like, ‘oh, that’s fine.” And he would be so nice to me. And same if my sister made a mistake, my husband would be like, ‘good try.’

But if my husband was my partner, and he’d make a mistake, I’d say, “What is wrong with you?! Why won’t you take a lesson?’ And then if I made a mistake, he’d berate me. We would be so uncharitable because I guess we felt you don’t have to be as nice. Tennis teaches you how to be in life. You should be as generous to your partner in life as you are to other people. But often we aren’t.

My husband and I played pickleball against my son and his wife last weekend. They’re much better than us. What was annoying was my husband kept suggesting that we mix up the teams.

Ann: Ah, because he wanted a better partner?

 Yup. You met your husband when you were in college? You were both at Emerson, taking creative writing, right?

Ann: I had just transferred from Bennington to Emerson and the head of the writing department at Bennington told me “You must take this writing class with Denis Leary.” He had graduated the year before. I thought he would be much older, like 50. He walked in and he looked about 20. He was super cute.

We crushed on each other, but we didn’t date until the day after the class was over. We went on a date or two, and then he stayed over, and he never left… to this day. It turned out he didn’t have his own place to live. He was shacking up with other comics.

Lol.  I loved your essay on the perks to an Empty Nest. Too often parents get morose when their kids go to college. I certainly did. But when your kids went to college you and your husband shed a few tears, and then realized every cloud has a silver lining? Can you tell us about that breakthrough?

Ann: Sure. So, we have two children. My son is the older one. The summer before he went to college, I was in a serious depression. I really felt like our whole life, our marriage, this magical thing that was our family was coming to an end. Then we dropped my daughter off. I rememeber we were driving away and I couldn’t stop sobbing. My husband was driving and then he pulled over. And after dabbing my face, I said, ‘you can go now.” And then I heard him make this sound. I look over and he has his head in his hands and he’s crying like a baby. Our daughter only went to college an hour away. When we got home  my husband went upstairs, while I made dinner and watched Seinfeld. And when he came down, he did what he automatically does which is turn that little TV in the kitchen off because it’s time for dinner.

And then I said the words he’d been waiting twenty years to hear. Let’s watch TV while we eat. And that’s when the fun began. I know a lot of people are naturally altruistic, thoughtful, kind, good people. We’re not really like that but we had to behave as if we were because our children deserved better. So, we were on our best behavior for twenty years.

We have reclining chairs for when my mother visits. Now we eat dinner on these reclining chairs in front of the TV. We walk around with no clothes on. Nobody cares. My kids came back for vacation and were shocked by the recliner eating situation, absolutely appalled.

Thank you Ann.

Readers, this is just a soupçon of our chat. The episode on Elena Meets the Author has lots more Ann gems. Here’s to laughing!!!

September, 2024

The post Q&A with Ann Leary – I’ve Tried Being Nice appeared first on Elena Bowes.

It all happens on the five’s, not the zero’s,” my wise friend Stephanie was telling me on the phone. “All the attention is on the zero’s… The big 5-0, the big 6-0, but it’s the fives when our bodies change. Think about it.

Stephanie has a point. In the last few years since I turned 55, I have morphed into a different person. The above photo is pre-55, the old, but still thinks she’s young,  me. My body has changed, and not for the better. Elena Vs Gravity is an uphill battle. On the one hand, it’s depressing to see the sags and wrinkles. On the other hand, I can’t see as well. It’s a bit of a blessing, that aging process —I look worse, but my eye-sight and my memory are slipping too. Yesterday, I kind of forgot to get dressed, but don’t tell anyone.

Thankfully, we’re not the only ones aging in the room—so are our partners. My friend Katie’s husband marvels at his wife’s amazing figure when she exits the shower.

I’m so glad he’s near-sighted, she tells me.

I have a black dress that I bought when I was turning 50. It’s short sleeve, low neck, cinched waist, above the knee—I look at that dress in wonder, like a museum piece from a distant past when sexy was still on the brain. Poor Stretch. I didn’t appreciate that dress until it was too late, until 55 came banging on my door. I should have worn it everywhere—to Whole Foods, to Pilates, to all funerals, including the ones I was crashing. It’s like what Nora Ephron said about bikinis- only she depressingly named 34 as the end of sexy…. Maybe 55 is the new 34?

These days comfort is queen. The wedding dress I wore a few months ago had a bathrobe vibe, in a good way. It was super comfortable with a sash that could be loosened during dessert.

I try to look good without looking too closely. But some days it is important to look closely. Just last week I was eating lunch with some girlfriends when I got some lettuce stuck in my teeth.

To the left, no too far,” guided my friend Gillian, staring closely at my not so pearly whites. One to the right, actually one more- – yeah, you got it, she said, as I feverishly hunted down the offensive green.

That’s because your saliva is thinning- my friend Suzannah nonchalantly offered from across the table. Everything sticks more. Saliva isn’t the only thing thinning, she offered ominously. My hair, not much where I want it- eyebrows and nether regions –  and lots where I don’t – nose and chin.

Note to my daughter’s amazing eyebrows- once upon a time, mine looked like yours…

Maria, the 4th at our table, told us that on a recent visit to the dentist, she learned that she was missing part of a tooth in the back of her mouth.

“Is that from menopause?” she asked her dentist. It wasn’t. But I don’t blame Maria for jumping to that conclusion. Menopause has its daggers out everywhere. And I’m not talking about the ABC’s of Menopause  – the things we all know about- hot flashes, insomnia, low sex drive, forgetfulness. I’m talking about the things I learned the hard ie shocking way – like doing Downward Dog and seeing how my knees resemble the salt flats of Utah-

or brushing my teeth and spotting a few black whiskers in the mirror (assuming I can see that far) or seeing a recent photo of me and thinking:

Have my boobs turned into a shelf?

If I leave you with anything dear readers, invest in a good bra. Nothing says old more than a matronly chest- just like dim lighting and a strategically placed shawl are our friends,  an unsupportive bra and a tight sweater are not.

I decided to look for a more flattering cut on Ines de la Fressange’s range for Uniqlo. I hadn’t gotten far when even Uniqlo was reminding me of the inevitable …

Thanks Uniqlo, like I need YOU telling me my body has changed. Stephanie, my mathematical sage, believes that we over-55ers have no metabolism:

A spin class burns maybe 300 calories. A large oatmeal cookie, which one might feel entitled to eat after that spin class, is 500 calories. You do the math.

Is there any good news? I ask her

There is no good news, she replies. We just have to work on being happy and jolly and loving. And that’s why we get to buy expensive clothes because we need to feel good about ourselves.

My style icon- Atlanta-based fashion designer Ann Mashburn just turned 60.

Her tip: Squint more

When women are in the dressing rooms here, I tell them to step back, away from the mirror, and squint a little when they look at themselves. You can see the proportion better that way. Most people get straight up into the mirror and stand still. Often not good, but more importantly, not true to life. You are not one-dimensional. When people look at you, they don’t see the flat image you’re looking at in the mirror – they experience you in all three dimensions.

Another Mashburn tip: Find Someone Older Whose Look You Admire

Think of someone at least 10 years older than you, whose style you admire. You do not have to be friends with this person (though that helps too,) or even know them personally. But whenever you are feeling sad or shocked by your appearance, you need to conjure up this woman in your head and think about how attractive you find her. Summon that admiration! I tell myself: “I would rather look cool than look young.”

Ann, you might not be ten years older than me (or even ten months) but I am channeling cool you.

Forget trying to look sexy, aim for chic instead, echoes my wise friend Katie. Growing old gracefully is the way to go. Don’t fight it. Embrace it and be grateful for all the good stuff in your life. Celebrate each age.

It sure beats the alternative. Another friend Andrée says that while she felt physically at her best in her twenties, thirties and forties, she felt emotionally and psychologically best in her fifties:

The confidence and wisdom and self-possession that comes with age is so awesome. It’s so profound. Now I wear what makes me feel good and comfortable, and maybe make a little bit of a statement. You’re never fully dressed without a smile. You can be sexy at any age- it’s more about an attitude. I’m confident, I’m beautiful, I love myself- that is sexy and that’s what I think people find sexy too.”

And maybe she’s right. The other day Andrée, who is tall and thin, graced with an athlete’s body, was wearing a pair of wide cut kelly green jeans from Zara, when a much younger man shouted,

Nice pants Aunty!!!

She quickly looked up Aunty on Urban Dictionary…

Made my year!!!

October, 2021

The post When Sexy is No Longer on the Brain…. appeared first on Elena Bowes.

I don’t know how you do it. Where are you going now? Neil asks, as he spots me on the sidewalk outside my new London bolthole with my trusted Lipault wheelie bag.

Ibiza

That sounds relaxing

For three days.

He laughs,

I don’t know how you do it. I’d hate it.

And to be honest – why not be honest, right? – I was secretly dreading my summer travels before they began, wondering whether I am too old to be lugging a suitcase to these far flung spots, sitting in crowded airports with the world and their wives. But once I hit the road, I fell in love with the freedom and constant change – my gap summer. I felt like I was 16 again, without the travelers’ checks.

St Tropez to San Francisco, the Balearic Islands

to Shelter Island,

Ischia to Sonoma, I covered  a lot of beautiful territory. And all of it I did to spend time with people I love – girlfriends, Stretch, my family. They make me happy.

The older I get, the more I know what matters to me, and just as importantly, what doesn’t. Life gets distilled to its essentials. Turns out I am not the only one thinking this.

My friend Dani told me that her mother gave an 80th birthday party in Melbourne recently, and invited only women, not even her brother. Talk about knowing what you want and doing it. Husbands had to drop their wives off at 6pm and pick them up again at 8:30. Only Dani’s husband David made the cut because he plays the piano and what’s an 80th without John Denver’s “Take Me Home, Country Roads”?

I bumped into my friend Karen the other day. She was sitting on a street bench on Lexington Avenue in New York with her two dogs, who she loves very much, but are cramping her style. She’s itching for freedom, she’s itching to do what she wants, what makes her happy.

I think back to when I had three little kids, a double stroller and a dog,  walking them to school every day, said Karen. Estrogen must have been coursing through my veins. I was so nurturing. Now, forget it. I just want to do my own thing. I googled the life expectancy of my dog last night.

Perhaps actress and new role model Kristin Scott Thomas summed it up best  in this scene in Fleabag below:

For anyone unfamiliar with the TV series, I so envy the binge watching ahead of you, especially Season 2. Fleabag, written and starring Phoebe Waller-Bridge as the main character, is a hilarious, touching, witty love story about a woman who has no filter and is trying to navigate life after tragedy. It’s a love story between Fleabag and herself, Fleabag and her uptight, unhappy sister and Fleabag and a hot priest. It is definitely not a love story between Fleabag and her fantastically awful, passive aggressive stepmother played by Academy Award winner Olivia Colman.

Anyway, back to the relevant scene, 58-year-old Belinda, a successful business woman played by Scott Thomas and Fleabag are talking in a bar after an awards ceremony. Scott Thomas is dispensing some pearls, namely that while the menopause stinks the aftermath is…

fucking wonderful. Yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles, and yes, you get fucking hot and no one  cares. And then…. You’re free, no longer a slave, no longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person… It is horrendous but then  it’s magnificent.

I couldn’t agree more. Getting older has its minuses – dimply thighs, random chin hairs, wrinkly elbows- who loves those? But obsessing over them is such a time waster, and I don’t have as much time as I used to.  Mortality is a great awakener. I’m starting to notice (and make note of) good tombstones.

On my gap summer I barely wore any makeup, lathered my face with sun block, wore  unflattering head gear and avoided mirrors.

I felt liberated. I was doing what makes me happy – biking, exploring, reading novels, writing, laughing and hanging with my nearest and dearest. And avoiding what does not make me happy – sceney parties,  people who takes themselves too seriously, inauthentic people, having to succeed at all costs, fearing failure, envy and weak coffee.

And for those of you who were expecting this to be a travel blog, forgive me for getting super sidetracked.

Here are my top 3 pics from my gap summer:

Mezzatorre in Ischia, what the island lacks in charm, this pretty hotel makes up for with its picturesque seaside views, chic, simple interiors and delicious food and drink.  Go for 3 days of total unwinding. My suggestion: Visit buzzy Capri first and then hire a boat and motor over  to Mezzatorre. Flop on a sun lounger with a good book and a cold Aperol Spritz.

Ibiza- If you go there, don’t miss charming town Sant Gertrudis- great coffee (Bar Costa and La Petit Table our faves) and shopping spots, especially Es Cucons

And finally- Sonoma – we went to a lovely family wedding

We stayed at this heavenly find …

request bungalow Dolce (our favourite, but all are charming)

hiked in nearby Jack London State Park and had zen massages across the street here

September, 2019

The post My Intoxicating Gap Summer – and I Don’t Just Mean the Rosé appeared first on Elena Bowes.