So the moment had arrived. It was my son Thomas’s college graduation dinner ten days ago. It was time for me to stand up and “say a few words.” How had I not seen that coming? Mute is my middle name. I only do spontaneous when shopping.
So here’s the toast I meant to make – so much better. Me, in front of my computer doubling as speaker and audience. And laugh machine.
Thomas has always been a bright boy with an unorthodox approach to solving problems. Once he sprayed his grandfather with a hose while the latter was reading the Wall Street Journal on the porch. My drenched father locked his four year old grandson in the bathroom to punish him. No problem, Thomas just climbed out the window.
In his freshman year at Yale his suite was infested with “mice”. Again, no problem. He spent a lot of time in the library that year and perfected his late night diving into bed skills.
Rat poison is kind of a hassle, Mommy.
He was similarly creative when it came to laundry. Why wash and iron a shirt when an ironed shirt can look pretty darn clean? Why buy a waste paper basket for the apartment when there’s an empty fridge just sitting there?
When Thomas and his flat mate Sam decided their apartment had reached unbearable levels of disgusting, they decided to hire a cleaning woman. During the interview Thomas showed her one room at a time so as not to scare her off. When she agreed to clean the living room, he asked her if she might also consider cleaning the hallway. Before he knew it, she had agreed to clean the ENTIRE apartment.
And she empties the fridge, he told me incredulously over the phone.
For some reason the boys only bought one chair for the apartment. Thomas said it was fine until they had guests. Then he wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was.
Would you like a seat? I’m happy to stand.
The other day Thomas was really famished. He saw a burrito on the window sill. So he called Sam on his cell.
Hey, is that your burrito?
Oh, yeah sorry. I meant to toss it. It’s been there for like six hours.
So, you’re not going to eat it?
Thomas is now leaving New Haven and moving into a six-story walk-up apartment in Soho in New York. Considering that he hasn’t seen his sister’s 4th floor bedroom in London in three years because it’s, yup, kind of a hassle, I’m curious how he’ll manage.
I’m picturing a lot of chill time in the apartment.
June, 2016
